Sunday, September 13, 2009
I closed the Bhagwad Geeta on my lap. It was the only way I could connect to Apu. Her number was unreachable. My emails to her came back with a delivery faluire notice. She never came on chats. And I didn’t even have her address. Which meant I couldn’t even write her a letter if I wanted to. Probably she didn’t want to talk.
But I didn’t have much objection to that. She could just receive my call and stay quiet. Or just read my mail without replying. Or be idle on chat without replying to whatever I typed. Or just read my letter and then crumpled it. I did not want her to talk. I only wanted to express myself to her. To tell her about the vacuum her absence had created. To tell her about the turbulances within me. To tell her about the turmoil I was going through in her absence. And carelessly sidelining the reservation she had set between us, I would have urged her to come back. Or even begged for it. I would have poured in every bit of my heart in my words and made her weep silently. Maybe she knew that I would do it. And that was exactly why she had purposely detached herself from me. To prevent my words from effecting her. And had left me just a single link of connection with her. The Bhagwad Geeta.
I didn’t read the Bhagwad Geeta. I talked to Apu through it. I told her how much I missed her. How much I needed her. And how incomplete I was without her. I thought she heard it. I imagined it plainly. But the fact that she didn’t even have a hint of it put me all down. And I abruptly closed the book. And marked the page with the lace I had flipped off her on our last night together, devoiding her of a well functional bra. The touch of it involuntarily filled my eyes with tears and choked my throat. So I touched it as minimally as I could. Holding the tip most of the time to place it as a book mark. But when Apu filled my heart, I softly ran my fingers over it. It felt as if I was touching her. It had an element of her in it. Because it had been closest to the part which she was totally composed of. Her heart. A crazy girl’s crazy heart.
I kept the book aside and switche off the reading light. I lied down on the bed with the revived pain of Apu still twirling within me. This was one of the days people slept early. Amongst the days at the end of the month when there wasn’t much cash left in the pocket to splurge. A single beer and a two cigarettes in this time was the highest point of enjoyment. But it wasn’t to last long. Soon a new month would begin and life would fill up with happiness. Living in dire straits for a few days was always acceptable on that term.
I picked out a cigarette from our common box and went to the terrace with my mobile. I light it with my duplicate Zippo and tried calling Apu once again. It was unreachable. I typed her a message, just hoping that someday she would get it. Little hopes gets people to do weirdest of things at time. Even when you know that things aren’t possible, you try out their possibility. Ending up disappointing yourself once more.
‘I wnt u badly. Let thngs nt b lk b4 if u wnt. Bt atlst tlk 2 me. lstn 2 me. I hv no1 2 evn tlk 2. I fl so damn lonly widout u. plz cm bck. lu ’
I pressed the send button. The message was sent. I pointlessly waited for the delivery report that was never to come. It didn’t come anyway.
I smoked my cigarette deeper. I wanted the smoke to fill me up. I wanted it to burn down the lump in my throat. I wanted it to lighten the heaviness in my chest. I sent out a prolonged exhale of smoke.
The night was filled with silence. Stray dogs barked at a far off distance. I smoked hopelessly leaning on a terrace railing . My hopes slowly drowned in the smoke ofmy cigarette. I was on the last puff, healed of pain and baseless hopes.
I smoked a deep last puff and I felt something vibrate in my pocket.
My message tone suddenly filled the silence of the night.
I hurriedly pulled out the mobile from my pocket and looked at its screen.
‘One message received’ it said.
I quickly punched the ‘view’ button.
‘I m cmng nxt wk.whr r u?’ it said.
A blast of happiness burst within me. I was split into pieces each filled with happiness. I looked at the message again.
I took a closer look and the gush of happiness in me fizzed out in a moment.